Airlines See Declines in Customer Performance

Bad passenger attitudes are the biggest obstacles facing air carriers, according to a recently completed annual study. This study comes just after the release of information claiming airlines are taking the hassle out of flying and delivering their best performances in four years.

“This job would be great if it wasn’t for the customers,” said Randal Graves, customer service vice-president for U.S. Airways.

From bumbling back-country fliers taking their first post-Sept. 11 flights to high-maintenance upgrade-seekers, fliers are driving most airline employees nuts. The only respite from overly entitled passengers squawking their constant demands are younger eco-travelers.

“We’ve found that backpackers, despite dread-locks that stink up the cabin, are laid-back and less-demanding of gate, cabin and luggage staff,” said Mike Kitchens, a spokesman for a private research firm that studied how big of a pain in the butt customers are for airline employees. “We also found that business-class passengers reduced their whininess by five percent for the 2008 fiscal year.”

The study was released Tuesday, rating U.S.-based legacy carriers and select international carriers. Regional carriers were not surveyed, as both passengers and staff members consider the niche a lost cause on both sides of the satisfaction issue. According to Aeroflot spokesman Leonid Kuhlyevski, the Russian giant did not participate in the “decadent Western survey.”

“You do not fly Aeroflot,” said Kuhlyevski. “Aeroflot fly you!”

Among legacy carriers, cabin crew complaints are at 7.45 per 10 passengers, up from 6.2 per 10 in  FY07. Southwest Airlines crews logged the largest number of complaints due to smirking passengers who referred to the low-priced carrier as “Southworst Airlines” and then snickered as if they were the first person to devise that moniker.

Half of all employee complaints at American Airlines were based on the lack of check-in luggage being stowed in the cargo holds, depriving ground staff of much-needed amusement, exercise and stress relief. Bruce Murray, a union representative for American Airlines, believes the checked bag fees are hurting a fringe benefit for employees – bashing the absolute crap out of random passengers’ luggage.

Added Murray: “God, I’d love to go at a nice Samsonite like a spider monkey!”

The low passenger loads are also ensuring fewer opportunities for gate staff to bump unsuspecting passengers: Jet Blue has the lowest rate, according to The Associated Press. Just 0.01 percent of its passengers were denied boardings, prompting howls of outrage.

Also causing airline employees grief are slack-jawed yokels with minimal flying experience and cheapskates insisting that their 75-pound hardshell suitcases fit the carry-on requirements and that they “just flew with this as a carry-on last week.”