Hey, remember the Segway? Yeah, the allegedly stable, upright, non-polluting, quiet Go-Kart for big people? It was supposed to make walking a thing of the past (as if we need a reason to be lazier).
Well, pause … NOT!, as Borat might say. In fact, there seems to be only one sector in which the Segway has gained any widespread appeal: tours. They’re pretty popular in Washington, D.C., San Francisco and even in the wine country. I guess in the first two places, the Segway is great for avoiding panhandlers. The wine country, like Sonoma County? Apparently, they use them for wine tours. How that’s a good idea, I’m not quite certain (though you’ll be overwhelmed by the number of hits a Google search of “Segway wine country” will return).
So what hampered this clever machine? There’s no doubt it’s an engineering marvel. But it is unrepentantly dorky. Every time I see a Segway in the wild, it’s always piloted by people who look like they are on the way to a casting call for Revenge of The Nerds: Nerds N2K+9. They look like they grew up having Wil Wheaton kick sand in their faces.
But I think it might actually be Will Arnett’s ultra-hysterical portrayal of George “Gob” Bluth in the series Arrested Development that was the planet-destroying asteroid to the Segway’s dinosaur population. Every time I see one, I think of the failed magician Gob. I can’t help it, and it forever bars me from saddling up on a Segway – unless, of course, I’m spouting Gob’s choicest lines from the series. Some might say it was Paul Blart: Mall Cop, but Gob was rockin’ the Segway and ratcheting up the dweeb factor long before.
Speaking of good, ol’ Paul Blart, law enforcement and private security do seem to be throwing Segway a thin thread lifeline. But every time I see a cop on a Segway, I have to look away. The look on their faces is always that of a Rottweiler being forced to wear a ridiculous sequined Christmas sweater. I look away, just to help preserve some shred of their dignity.
Segways are toys for people who think they have it all, but need more. Strangely enough, they end up finding themselves to be as empty as they were before. Just a matter of time before it ends up in the junkpile along with the Razer scooter. And whatever came before that. Pogo ball, maybe?
Interesting question, Deft. There’s gotta be a good answer … I have some pondering to do.