Hansen Beverages Takes Aim at Vermont Craft Brewer

There’s yet another reason not to like Monster energy drinks. You know the ones – they come in huge cans slathered in busy graphics, promising more energy to pimply basement dwellers so they can frag each other while playing Halo better.

Hansen, uber-manufacturer of this concoction of mysterious and noxious ingredients, is taking aim at Rock Art, a Vermont-based craft brewer. That’s because Rock Art, before Monster oozed out of the primordial marketing sludge of Corporate America, had the audacity to create a brew and name it Vermonster.

“Oh, noes!” shrieked the suits at Hansen. “It has the word ‘monster’ in it! Heaven forfend! How will we possibly afford more yachts now?”

And thus they let slip the dogs of law, who ran barking to Rock Art to order its brewer (Matt Nedeau) to quit brewing, selling and promoting with the name Vermonster. Here’s a great, succinct synopsis. I’ve read in several stories that legal counsel believes Rock Art would prevail in court – if they can afford to fight it out. In other words, Hansen can bully them in the pocketbook, regardless of the letter of the law. That’s an outrage and a travesty, a complete perversion of the way justice should work.

This bit of heinousness reminds me of a similar incident between Arizona Ice Tea (which has nothing to do with Arizona) and Four Peaks Brewing (which isn’t near Four Peaks, but is at least in Arizona). Apparently, Arizona Ice Tea was so convinced there would be confusion in the market from Four Peaks’ Arizona Peach Ale that it sent a similar cease-and-desist letter to Four Peaks. Four Peaks was larger at the time (and still is) than Rock Art, but its management knew it couldn’t afford the legal fees. Thus was born New York Peach, a minor middle finger to the New York-based sugary beverage slinger. As you might guess, I’ve not touched a drop of Arizona Ice Team products since. That’s okay – I can certainly live without a little bit of high-fructose ingredients and unnatural flavoring.

Getting back to Monster – I can’t boycott its products. I never drank the sludge in the first place. Instead, I’m just going to point out that this is artificially sweetened nectar of the geeks  is known to prolong virginity, cause poor posture, promote sickly, pale skin and erode muscle tone. Use it at the risk of becoming a lonely, nearsighted, dyspeptic, sad, sad, sad monkey beater.