Hey, the 2010 FIFA World Cup is coming this summer! Even though it’s months away and on the other side of the globe, everyone here in the United States is going to hear about it.
In some (many, most?) cases, that will involve pudgy, ignorant, parochial sportswriters insisting that soccer isn’t a real sport since it doesn’t stop for a commercial break every 1.72 seconds, doesn’t feature double-digit scores and requires no special equipment to play. In rare instances, it will involve someone sticking it to The Man by insisting the country needs more soccer.
Since you’re likely to at some point talk about soccer in the coming months, I’m going to give you a soccer primer so you can trick people into thinking you know what you’re talking about.
1. Chelsea/Real Madrid – Both these clubs, one in the English Premier League and the other in Spain’s Primera Liga, are the New York Yankees of club soccer. I encourage you to hate on them both. Earn extra points for calling Chelsea “Chelski” as a slam against its Soviet Steinbrenner oil baron owner, Roman Abramovich.
2. Manager – Like baseball, the head dude in charge of a soccer team is a manager, not a coach. If you’re from Scotland or at least close to Newcastle, you can also call a manager “the gaffer.” Otherwise, you sound like a poseur. Especially if you’re from California.
3. Clean Sheet – This is what’s called a shutout in most other sports. Correct usage: “Edwin Van de Sar led the [...]
