One of the gruesome relics of the ATM cave's past.

Skeletons, Underground River, Make Belize Caving Trip a Wild Time
The Actun Tunichil Muknal Cave in Belize is just about the greatest underground experience an average Joe caver can enjoy. The sights are awesome – and so are the insights in the Mayan culture.
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Exiting the plane old school-style in Belize.

The cool thing about Central America is that just because you’ve seen one of its countries, you haven’t seen them all. It might be natural to assume that Belize would be like Costa Rica, but with more Mayan ruins. It would also be completely wrong.

So is Belize worth visiting? That depends on you, traveling friends, and what you want out of your journey. No matter what, Phillip SW Goldson Airport will be Belize’s first chance to make an impression. This is a Mos Eisley Cantina of an airport – hot, stuffy and far more chaotic than an airport of its Lilliputian proportions should be. Plus points – no jetways! You get to kick it Old School by descending a moving staircase (unfortunately, it’s not attached to a truck like Michael Bluth’s ride in Arrested Development). You’ll also see large commercial aircraft lined up with three-person Cessnas from local airlines. That ups the Indiana Jones factor.

A Diver’s Delight

Rio Frio Cave in the Cayo District.

If you are a diver, Belize is a must. It offers the world’s second-largest barrier reef behind Australia. You can fly from virtually anywhere in the continental U.S., wake up the day after arriving and spot your first stingray after breakfast. If you’re just a snorkler, you can see much of the same cool stuff. Of course, SCUBA divers can go further, longer and deeper. If you just can’t wait to hit the blue and see awesome sea creatures, Belize will delight you. Even just snorkling, I saw barracuda, octopi, small sharks, enormous stingrays (6-foot wingspans!) and sundry other colorful ocean fish.

Five Sisters Lodge is tranquil and beautiful. And the staff will cough up info on nearby caves!

Flaccid Fare for Foodies

Let’s say you’re really into fine dining, though. You won’t go hungry in Belize. The food is solid and fresh. But there’s not much in the way of upscale dining there. Even at the really slick Five Sisters Jungle Lodge in the Cayo District, the emphasis was more on hearty and filling. I promise that a foodie won’t wake up post-vacation dreaming of Belizean vittles. Beverages aren’t much better – the coffee is pretty blah, especially compared to Costa Rica and Guatemala. Beer? Fuggit about out. There is a decent coffee liqueur perfectly suited to making a Central American twist on a White Russian, though. I’m not sure The Dude would approve, but it’s still good.

You’ll Love the Limestone

While Belizean food won’t whet the appetite, cavers (aka spelunkers, but that’s a dirty word among the faithful) will gorge themselves. Belize is mostly limestone. Just add millions of years of flowing water, and you have a recipe for awesome caves. The Cayo District is riddled with caverns, from fairly well-traveled Achtun Tunichil Muknal (aka ATM) to many others known only to locals. You may have to ingratiate and/or interrogate get the goods. One of our tour guides even mentioned that, back at the height of the Mayan days, an army from Caracol traveled underground for four days to pop out of the earth and put the sword to rival city-state Tikal. Crazy!

From the top of Caracol's biggest pyramid.

Caving is also a very illuminating experience about Mayan culture – you’ll learn that the Mayans considered caves their underworld, and would make sacrifices to appease the gods. Caves contain everything from corn offerings to gifts of human flesh – average Joes, infants and even royalty raised specifically to be sacrifices. The floors of many caves are littered with their bones.

Shopping & Nightlife are the Lowlights

Now, let’s say you’re all about the bling. Hollywood looks to you to set fashion trends. You’re Vera Wang, Ralph Lauren and Mugatu rolled into one person. Belize will have you booking a flight to Paris before your matching diamond-encrusted Versace luggage rolls down the conveyor belt. It’s also pretty hot and sticky – so unless you loaded up with Cloudveil and Patagonia gear, you’re in the wrong country. Get out unless you plan to amuse the locals with your diva antics. You will find no high-fashion items for home or wardrobe here, and that’s just all there is to it. And check this out – I couldn’t even find a jersey from the nation’s soccer league. I could find Manchester United knock-offs a-plenty, but I wasn’t able to find any Belizean soccer shirts. What’s up with that?

Belize City, the nation’s largest but not even its capitol, will not impress you. It’s squat and sprawling, often pretty hard on the eye. There’s no cafe culture and its nightlife will not impress.

A Beach in Hopkins - not impressive.

Beaches Won’t Impress

What about you beach lovers and sun worshipers out there? You want sparkling white sand and an endless stream of beach-themed cocktails. Okay: Belize may have all that somewhere. But I’m not certain where. I can tell you that San Pedro, Dangriga and Hopkins will bitterly disappoint beach-o-philes. Belize hasn’t been clued in like Costa Rica that dumping trash all over isn’t cool. That stuff washes up everywhere. A few resorts in Hopkins actually employ people to pick the sand on their territory clean. On either side of such properties, you will see astounding amounts of former flotsam. If you’re reading this and think I’m wrong, fine – just be sure to tell us all where you can find a sweet, accessible beach in Belize. I’ll be happy to share your info in a future post.

Your armed escort in Bandit Country.

I must also say that Hopkins is one sweltering inferno of a village. And this comes from a long-time desert rat, a 29-year Phoenix resident. I’m practically a Fremen, but Hopkins baked me out of my gourd when the sun emerged – in January!

Peace Through Superior Firepower

Picture this scene: Your tour guide is driving through the forest on the way to a ruin, and he stops at a wooden building.  M-16-toting dudes in battle dress uniforms come out of the building, talk to your driver and follow you to and from the ruin. Your driver tells you they are along to protect you from Guatamalan bandits – you are, after all, close to contested territory. If this freaks you out, stay out of the western end of the Cayo District. Do not go to Tikal or Caracol. If you think that’s awesome, you’re my sort of traveler.

A nice view flying from Dangriga to Belize City.

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What’s kind of useful is that you can choose to enter the bare-minimum of details, or delve into

Creaky old airplane got you down? Have your say on FlightMemory.com!

excruciating detail about every single thing the airline, TSA and airport employees did wrong – or you can praise them for those times when “customer service” isn’t a punchline.

I’m still working on getting my flights in, but I’ve made some headway. It’s quite a lot of fun, especially since it appears to be of German origin and translated by members of The Scorpions while they were on tour with Van Halen circa 1985 (“We can now offer you some new thingies for your pleasure – introducing the FlightMemory shop!” … tell me you couldn’t hear Klaus Meine saying that!).

Obviously, this took me down memory lane – in the spirit of Flightmemory, here is a list of my Top 5 best-ever commercial flights – I don’t really need to do my 5 Worst … that’s pretty much any time American Airlines was involved!

1. Los Angeles to Auckland, NZ. Qantas. 12.25 hours. Aside from the usual Qantas comfort -boarding and finding the welcome kit on your seat, the cool flight attendants, the on-demand

Air New Zealand - Impossible not to like.

entertainment- this was a rarity for transcontinental flight: No jet lag! The flight left at 9 p.m. local time … I ate, slept, caught some movies, ate, slept more, woke up and I was in Auckland at 6 a.m. local time. I was pretty fresh, having felt like I just had a long night. BONUS – Some serious turbulence shook us from Hawaii to Auckland, bouncing the 747-400 around. Some wouldn’t like that, but I call it fun.

2. Los Angeles to Honolulu. American. About 5 hours. American Airlines sneaks into my best-of! But hey, when you land in Honolulu, everything is better. I loved the airport’s open-air walkways and the immediately balmy feel of the air. You can’t be in Honolulu and not feel a huge weight come off your shoulders. Plus, I loved the landing – a hard turn for the final approach. Always fun in a DC-10!

3. Quepos to San Jose, Costa Rica. Nature Air. 39 minutes. From start to finish, this was an absolute blast of a flight. A taxi dropped us off in the middle of the jungle at a paved airstrip. There was no control tower, just a thatched-roof hut … that happened to sell tasty homemade desserts! There was no

The view over Quepos.

security gate, and an 11-year-old tico grabbed our bags and loaded them in the cart. A few minutes later, a DeHaviland Twin Otter landed. People got off, the 11-year-old put our bags on, and we were wheels-up moments later. The view is absolutely splendid and shocking green, with low-lying clouds wreathing the mountaintops. At that point, it was the smallest plane Sarah had ever been on. She started off squishing her armrests with a death grip, but she soon relaxed, captivated by the view out the window.

4. Belize City to San Padro/Caye Ambergris. Maya Island Airways. 35 minutes. Make no mistake about it: Belize City’s Phillip SW Goldson Airport is by far the most spastic, chaotic, overheated and incomprehensible airport I’ve ever seen despite its Lilliputian proportions. You can only imagine my pleasure when our connecting flight was a three-passenger Cessna 182! This quickly became the record for Sarah’s smallest plane ever, and she was again a bit leery at first.

Sarah eyeballs her ride.

But the pilot had smoove skills, and the view was simply awesome – islands, clear water, clouds, a setting sun. It was just turning to dusk when we landed at an unpaved strip in San Pedro amid a lively island town that caters to divers. We grabbed our backpacks and walked to our hotel without a fuss. So much fun!

5. Wellington to Nelson, New Zealand. Air New Zealand. 39 minutes. Wellington is my favorite airport ever. No security checkpoints, no fuss, easy-to-understand procedures and friendly people. You read that right: We did not have to pass a security checkpoint to board our DeHaviland Dash-8. For some reason, I love boarding up the stairs instead of using a jetway. Call me old school! We couldn’t enjoy the view since the sky was socked in with clouds. We got bounced all over the
place which I, again, consider fun. Though the flight was incredibly short, the lone flight attendant was very gracious … same for the Air New Zealand crew on the two-hour haul from Queenstown to Auckland.

HONORABLE MENTION: Sydney to Darwin, NT, Australia. 4 hours. Qantas 767-300.

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So how many times do you talk to people about traveling, and they’ll say “I wish I could go (fill in the blank”?

Well, if there’s ever a time to do that awesome trip, this is it. Oil is cheap. The economy sucks, which means that airlines are doing all sorts of stuff to get your butt in a seat. The economy is also making it tough for those who don’t have trust funds, but seriously: prioritize. Cancel your cable for a few months. Eat a bit less sushi. Get a cheaper cell phone. Put off buying that enormous flat-screen monitor. Drink less beer. Put that bike you never ride on Craigslist. Sell your plasma. Do whatever it takes and take advantage of a nice combination of a relatively strong dollar and cheap flights.

For instance, round trips from LA to Sydney on Qantas are about $750. That’s ludicrous, and it means you can’t afford NOT to go. You’ll come away with far more memories and stories than watching HBO, that’s for sure.

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A rainbow over the forest

If I had just one place to go in Belize, I’d head straight for the Cayo District. I’d skip the beaches. I’d turn my nose up at the cayes. I’d blow off the cities.

I’d head inland to the limestone maze of the Cayo District … caves, rivers, ruins, pine forests and a laid-back vibe are what you’ll get. Here’s what you shouldn’t miss.

1. I already waxed poetic in an earlier post about the Actun Tunichil Muknal cave tour. This is seriously not to be missed. If you won’t take by word for it, go back and read the earlier post. Now, doesn’t that sound mind-blowing?

A small pyramid overgrown with flora.

2. The town of San Ignacio is a perfect launch pad for the ATM cave trip. There are plenty of restaurants and services, and hotels from bare-bones budget to luxurious. San Ignacio is big enough that you can walk all over the place and get everything from Indonesian food to a pint of the ubiquitous Bilikin stout. It’s also more friendly and genuine – not everyone here is a huckster wanted you to buy souvenirs (I’m looking at you, Caye Ambergris!).

Our lodge at Five Sisters.

3. Five Sisters Jungle Lodge is the place to check in after you’ve had your ATM cave trip and enjoyed hanging about the streets of San Ignacio.  It’s an eco-friendly lodge powered by its own hydro-electric dam; each room is its own little cottage on a beautiful hill overlooking a river. Power is at a premium here, so you really can’t use your hair dryer. And no TVs, either, so it’s nice and peaceful out there; but you’ll get entertainment from the possibility of meeting a cute little froggy in your shower. The rains that come in sound really serene as the hit the thatched roofs of the huts. Now, you’re pretty far in the boonies, here. But no worries – Five Sisters has an on-site restaurant and bar.  It also has mountain bikes for guest use, and if you’re adventurous, the front desk staff can direct you to a nearby cave – but you’ll have to ford a creek! They can also hook you up with …

4. … a guided tour to the ruins at Caracol! This is a splendid, sprawling complex of ruins from the Maya civilization. They bashed it out with those scoundrels in Tikal. Adding to the excitment will be your Belize Army escort, complete with M-16s!! See, Guatemalan bandits frequent these parts. That’s why you need the escort. The ruins themselves get frequent visits from howler monkeys, which are known as “baboons” in these parts (despite having tails and not actually being apes). You can climb all over the ruins in most spots, and even descend into creepy tombs!

Wandering Justin goes tomb raiding.

5. If you’re really lucky, The Caracol King himself will be your guide. I couldn’t really understand him when he said his name because, like many Belizeans, he’s a bit of a quiet talker. I think it might’ve been Elmo. But to me, he’s The Caracol King because of the words emblazoned across the windshield of his shitty old van; he ripped out the automatic transmission and replaced it with a manual himself. He’ll likely have to stop for a repair or two along the way, but fear not! The Caracol King will get you home, and he really knows his stuff about the Cayo and Caracol. By the time you get done,

The Caracol King gets down and dirty to fix his Millenium Falcon of a van.

you’ll feel like you marched on Tikal yourself! He’s also fluent in Yucatec, the Mayan language. Clapped-out old van or not, he’s an awesome guide. If he takes you to Caracol, he’ll likely stop off at the Rio Frio cave, too.

Rio Frio Cave

Looking down the steps of the main pyramid.

A misty morning

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And a quick note from Wandering Justin – even after touring the mighty Australian Outback, this day still holds its own as one of my greatest ever days traveling. Do NOT miss this if you go to Belize!

This is one of the best vacation days I’ve ever had. I knew it would be cool, because I enjoy caves in general. It’s hard for me to pass a hole in the ground without strapping a light to my noggin and diving in.

But the Actun Tunichil Muknal Cave, known as the ATM Cave, would surpass all my other underground adventures. I’ve been in bigger, more scenic caves before. But I’ve never been in one that contained an underground river and the most incredibly graphic, gruesome vestiges of the Mayan culture. Nor one that made just getting there such an adventure.

The day started at the Maya Walk Tours headquarters in San Ignacio. The place was jammed with people milling around, getting their gear, meeting their guides, etc. It was a scene of total chaos. Finally, they tossed us all in an Isuzu Trooper and some weird Toyota I’d never seen in the states before (though the model is ubiquitous in Belize). We bounced along for close to an hour, first on decent paved roads and then into jungle roads that got more rutted, slimy and muddy as we drove. Meanwhile, there was a steady drizzle falling.

Our driver/guide, another guy named Emile, was telling scatological stories about people freaking out/needing to pee/getting the runs in the cave. One guy, who he claimed was a famous American football player, even filled his shorts up!

Anyway, we finally arrived at a clearing alongside a river. There were a few primitive stalls there made from thatched palms and stick (more on that later). Basically, we left all our gear but lunches, helmets and headlamps in the truck: Cameras would get soaked (Unfortunately, I have to rely on photos taken by others to tell my story) unless carried in the guide’s plastic bag, and my Fuji S5200 was just too damn big. So it stayed behind.

We followed a slippery path down to the river, where we made the first of three traverses. It was flowing really fast, and was more than waist-deep but not very cold (equipment note: I highly recommend Vasque Gore-Tex boots. Seriously, I hopped in the stream and took 10 steps before I felt my feet get wet AT ALL!). We hiked for about 30 minutes before reaching another hut, where we left our lunches.

Then it was time to swim into the cave. It was like falling out of your boat at Pirates of the Caribbean and going back through it backwards! We dogpaddled to keep our lamps from getting wet. The water was calm at first, but it started rushing really hard. Most of the time, we were up to our thighs. Other times, we were on solid ground and still other times we had to dogpaddle. Progress was slow since we had to move around obstacles and call them out to the people behind us. It was AMAZING.

I saw a little bat, and he woke up, looked at me and yawned. He looked like a little dog with wings! I want one as a pet! There were also lots of stalagmites and stalactites.

We finally got to a point where the rest of the route was dry. Mind you, we were 500 feet below ground at this point. We took of our shoes because of all the artifacts.

Where we started happened in about 600 BC. There were lots of pottery and food remains that the Mayans sacrificed. At some point, the society started going into decline.

The offerings to the gods got more extreme. First, we started noticing calcified human bones on the cave floor. Femurs. Arms. Skulls. As we went further back, it was clear the Mayans were getting worse off, whether because of war, rebellion or climate change. The sacrifices really became disturbing:

Infants. We saw bones from babies not yet old enough to walk. The society was getting desperate, and would do anything to appease its gods.

Emil also told us that the rituals included hallucinogens. Of course, the cave represented the Mayan underworld, and their priests said the first people came out of the caves. Emil also said that the shadows the Mayans’ torches cast on the cave walls looked like their gods and demons moving around them; he played his extra-powerful flashlight over the rock formations to show how someone high on hallucinogens could think that.

Finally, we went up a metal ladder loosely strapped to a wall, entering a chamber about 25 feet above the surrounding area. Emil had us sit down and shut our lights off. Of course, you could see absolutely nothing at all.

He told us about how, as the society began its final decline, the shaman sacrificed a member of the elite. She’d been bred and raised to be a sacrifice. At 5’3, she towered above most Mayan people. They bound her skull to achieve a flattened forehead the society found attractive.

Then they brought her here, leaned her against a rock, ripped her back open, removed part of her spine and ribs, and yanked her heart out. For good measure, they gave her a good crack in the head, enough to fracture the skull. They also severed her hands.

He turned on his light again, and there she was, not five feet from us. You could see where her spine was missing.

The rest of the day? Nothing next to this. I can barely remember any of it. But this…this will stick with me and be a measuring stick for anything I ever see on vacation again.

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A stretch of beach near the main part of Hopkins.

Wanna get away from Starbucks? Traffic? Commercialism? Even ATMs?

Well, then, I’ve got a place for you. It’s called Hopkins, and it’s a town of about 1,000 people. And I’m serious about the ATM thing. Be sure you get some cash before you show up to Hopkins.

For reasonably priced accommodations, I’ll have to recommend Jungle Jeanie’s by the Sea. Jungle Jeanie is the wife half of the husband-and-wife ownership team. They are friendly and helpful, and have a big, wonderful pair of dogs that roam on patrol. Xena, the German shepherd, is especially active and entertaining, especially when Jeanie tries to get her to surf. They serve up meals there, and you can also hoof it into town to try some local places. There’s also a pricier place or two as you walk south along the road. Many of the resorts even have semi-private bits of beach that they meticulously comb of former flotsam.

Charlie might not surf, but Xena does!

I’ve gotta be honest: There’s not much to do in Hopkins. It can be hot as hell, even in January. There’s no nightlife. The beach isn’t even all that nice. But if you want to get away from the noise, the pollution and the nonsense, this is the place to do it. Local residents are friendly, and you’ll hear them speaking the really cool-sounding Garifuna language. It’s super-quiet.

So how do you get here? Chances are, you’re flying into Belize City. The best way to get there is to grab a Maya Air or Tropic Air flight

The afternoon gets stormy

from Belize City to Dangriga (the view is spectacular). From Dangriga, you can grab a bus to Hopkins. It’ll take about 30 minutes, though you might have to share some space with a mattress or a load of melons – the bus usually carries cargo, too. There were also some dudes offering boat rides to Hopkins, but they seemed sketchy. Dangriga is also a great place to grab some fresh fruit and a bite to eat.

The road to Hopkins proper.

Flying to Belize City from Dangriga

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